A Better Tomorrow?

I’m still trying to figure out who I am without the pills and all I really know for certain is that I’m not exactly the same person I was before I started taking them almost four years ago, nor am I the same person I was whilst I was taking them. I feel like I’ve gone through several personalities on the way to where I am now and I get this sickly feeling that the journey isn’t quite over yet, though I’m pretty sure I’m over the worst of it.

I feel less numb to the world around me and that’s both a good and a bad thing. My eyes ate fully open again, but that means that everything around me has once more become illuminated and that’s not really a great thing. More and more I feel like I need to get away from here. Permanently? Temporarily? Yes. Either. Both. I don’t flourish here. I need to be stimulated and my immediate surroundings are somewhat lacking.  Perhaps, if the final university in London to which I have applied for my PGCE, turns me down then it wouldn’t be such a bad thing. I could apply elsewhere in the country. Despite the extra expense of moving elsewhere, a change of scenery might be the best thing for me. It could be money well spent. Well, that’s if I manage to get in anywhere.

The other problem I have with my mental state is trying to work out exactly what “normal” is. If I’m sad or angry is that because I’m not taking the tablets or does what I’m feeling fall within the parameters of what a normal person should feel? What should I be doing and feeling right now? How does the average person of my age behave? What do they think? What do they do? What do they want?

I guess that a lot of people have trouble with the whole process of aging, but I feel better now that I’m older. Not physically, obviously; it’s going to take a fair bit of exercise to get to that point, but mentally. I feel more confident, competent and a heck of a lot wiser. I feel like I’ve got a pretty good handle on how the world works now. Naturally, I feel like I can be a better writer too. Though I think that I’ve had the raw ability to write for many years, I’ve lacked the requite inspiration. In short, I can write, but I haven’t known about what I should write. I’m getting there, I think. I want to start something soon. Hopefully it’ll all come to me sooner rather than later.

As the years have gone by I’ve thought a little more about the process of aging. I’ve heard it said that, as you grow older and you become more satisfied with life, you begin to lose your edge. For me, the reverse is true. I’ve become more passionate, angrier, sadder, happier and more elated by everything around me. This could just be a result of my withdrawal, but I suspect that’s not the case. I suspect that satisfaction will elude me for a while longer and, if that’s the case, I should try to make the best of it.

I saw a TV show (some unimaginative cop show) on ITV the other night. Whereas before I would have just thought “well, if that can get on ITV, then surely I can write something that they’d accept”, now that wouldn’t be quite enough for me (yes, running before I can walk). Now, I’d only be happy if I’d written something that got shown on the BBC or Channel 4 (although their output is starting to go a bit downmarket of late, so that opinion may change). In that sense, it’s fair to say that I’m becoming more ambitious. I’m no longer mired in mediocrity and I can’t so readily accept that which doesn’t come up to scratch (at least as far as I’m concerned). The problem is, I know that this kind of thinking, and a previous inability to make good on my promise, was what led me down the path of depression before, so I do have to be extra careful not to go down that route again. That said, before I didn’t have all the tools that I now have at my disposal. My increased confidence I mentioned before, but I also think that I have a level of aggression that had been previously suppressed.

Some personality traits, when taken in isolation, could be seen as overwhelmingly negative. However, when combined with other, more positive, aspects, they can actually be beneficial. After all, what’s the point of being the best in the world at something if you’re the only one who knows it? If you don’t have that aggressive streak that allows to promote yourself then you might as well be a talentless wonder and let’s face it, there are enough of those about in the world. The planet is rife with people who have no ability to do anything but promote themselves. I figure if you can do that AND you actually have a talent for something, then there’s really no stopping you. So, Confidence + Aggression + ability = Success. Well, that’s the theory anyway, and even then I know that it’s not that simple. There are more things that come from within to consider and that’s before one takes all of the external, less controllable, factors into account.

Of course, though it seems like it’s a good idea to embrace some of my baser, more violent (though not physically so) qualities. That’s not to say that you should abandon attributes like compassion and empathy. Caring about the world and wanting it to be better (and not understanding why it isn’t) is kind of important. It’s probably one of the things that motivates me the most, but I can’t really let it bring me down as much as it used to or I’ll get nowhere. However, those things are a part of who I am and I shouldn’t discard them. Again, there needs to be balance. I wouldn’t want to be the sort of person who isn’t reviled by injustice, who’s unaffected by suffering and unmoved by love, humour and happiness. I am not selfish and whilst I might realise that I have to look after, and out for, myself, I can’t do it to the exclusion of all else. Some people can do that. I’ve known people whom I’ve subsequently realised behave as if no one in the world really matters, but I wouldn’t associate with them freely anymore. These are the sort of people who should in an ideal and just world, not prosper. Unfortunately, in the real world, they can, and frequently do. I suppose that more righteous people simply have to be better than they are so as to come out on top. “Is the dark side stronger?”, Luke asked Yoda. “No, no, no, quicker, easier, more seductive” replied the diminutive Jedi Master. (Incidentally, am I the only one to notice that Yoda only talks in his recognisably misaligned way in “Empire” when he first meets Luke. He only mixes up his word order when he’s playing the fool. Once his true identity is revealed, he starts speaking normally. It’s as though George Lucas forgot all that for every one of Yoda’s subsequent appearances and just had him revert to talking like a mad person). I hope that explains my situation. I hope that I’m on the long path and, when I get there, my patience will be rewarded. Am I a righteous person? I don’t know. Not yet, I think, but maybe someday when I can finally lift myself out of the mire. At the moment I at least hope that I could call myself a decent human being who has some regard for the people around him. I don’t, for example, openly cough in stranger’s faces, unlike the person who did just that to me when I was standing in the fruit section of a supermarket yesterday. So, to everyone who bought bananas at the Hatch End branch of Morrison’s (I’m really not going there again, it’s crap), I’m sorry to tell you this, but they’re probably laced with some inconsiderate sod’s germs. Yeah, I at least have some courtesy and regard for my fellow human beings. Just bear in mind that, when I have a cold and I’m in your proximity, I’ll choose not to cough all over you. I’m just considerate like that.

I feel like I’m rambling a bit, so I’ll stop there. Besides, it’s really, really late and I should really get some sleep instead of staying up to write a post and a half’s worth of material. Then again, it has made me feel a bit better, so maybe I’ll get to sleep a little sooner than I did the other night.